Calvinism to Nihilism
At 23 years old I converted to Christianity. Before to that point I would consider myself atheist, or skeptical at best. I was surrounded by a few good men than quickly trained me up in reformed doctrine through strict biblical exegesis.
I would say that my "walk" is average. Seasons of passionate devotion, as well as seasons of borderline disinterest. But 6 weeks ago everything took a strange turn.
A little background: I have struggled with depression most of my life. It's not the "life is hard so I'm sad" depression, more like "everything would be easier on everyone around me if I weren't alive" depression. I was rarely ever motivated enough to participate in my life. I didn't pursue my wife, or regularly engage with my 4 year old son. My marriage was in a lot of danger. I refused to seek help because I didn't want anti-depressants to change me… Until I openly told my wife one night that I would rather die than continue to live with this depression.
That's when I taked to my doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants. 6 weeks ago.
Since then, I have almost completely abandoned all religious inclinations. I'm leaning more toward a nihilistic view. We exist by accident. We have zero purpose. Nothing means anything. This doesn't inspire peace or dread in me. I just kind of feel like this whole god thing is bs.
My question is: is there a chance the anti-depressants have changed my thinking on this? Have any of you guys encountered this before?
TLDR: I was a Calvinist, started anti-depressants, now I'm leaning more atheist. Thoughts?
Submitted by joeyfrompaducah